WARNING - this post discusses depression and self harm. If this is a trigger for you, then please read ahead with caution or give this post a miss all together. 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

No one ever thinks it will go that far. Sure, at some point in almost everyone's life they probably have the odd, frustrated and over exaggerated thought about causing some sort of harm to them self, but it's usually reactionary, completely illogical, and something they would never actually dream to act on. 

That it, apart from those few that somehow cross the line, and before they know it, they've been carried far away with the current. 

It starts off with a little scratch caused by your kid-safe desk scissors - barely enough to even cause redness, never mind any bleeding. And you think that's as far as you'll ever go - that hurt enough. How could someone slice themselves open all over? That seems ridiculous - you swear when you get a paper cut, so you decide that you'll never even consider it again, it didn't help anything - there was no satisfaction, no relief, and well - it hurt. But soon it becomes somewhat of a challenge, a dare with yourself to see if you can actually cause any sort of physical damage - because surely if you can't, then you really can't be that upset, you must just be being overdramatic or trying to be an attention seeker. 

Before you know it, years have past and you're siting on your bathroom floor with a razor blade in one hand, and your scared flesh in the other. It's become one of your favourite pastimes - a way to escape the emotions spinning around in your head and just focus on one thing. It was the strangest sensation - I actually became 'blood-thirsty' - the pain wasn't necessarily what I was after all the time - it was to see that stream of blood dripping down my leg, that almost euphoric rush of life and the stain that it left behind. Suddenly, without even realising you've gone from barely there scratches to cuts that have left scars to this day. Maybe one day you'll even scare yourself when you accidentally go too deep on your upper arm and can see muscle peeking through - but even that isn't enough to keep you coming back for more.

It becomes a necessary part of your routine, a habit like your daily coffee. Like a drug addict - you're itching for your next fix and even though you know how bad it is and what it's doing to your body, it's gravitational pull is stronger than any fear you may have. You would do things like you would never imagine, like going to a stationary store and buying razor blades and them hiding them in various places around your room. 

Like a bad hangover, or a walk of shame - the morning after I would always feel intensely ashamed and mortified at what I'd done. And yet, once the rest of the house was asleep that night - I'd probably be yearning to head back to that dark, yet relieving place. It's in addiction, and as stupid as it sounds, you start to become embarrassed about who you are. You spend every second worrying about if someone is somehow going to see that scar on your upper thigh, or if someone will ask why you have a pen-knife in your pencil case. I remember once arriving at school and being reminded that compulsory swimming heats were going to be happening the next day, and I immediately launched into a fully-fledged panic attack because I had gotten a bit out of control the night before and my upper thighs were a state. 

I probably cut for the first time at 14, shortly before I started smoking and going out getting trashed. Now I'm 21, and although I've gotten through the worst of it, I still have hiccups. It's no longer a daily struggle, but an illness that lies far beneath the surface that bubbles to the surface every once in a while. My worst years were probably the last two years of high school, when I was 16/17. It's been 4/5 years, and there are still days when I feel like it's all going to come rushing back, and I'll fall off the wagon again and everything will come tumbling down. Stressful periods in my life provide the most temptation to return to being that 16 year old girl locked in the bathroom, but luckily I've managed to more or less refrain myself so far.

Much like my 'walking on eggshells' post, this story isn't about wanting pity or sympathy, but to show anyone out there who as been through is going through the same that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, and as impossible as it seems to reach it, you'll get there, I promise. Things are never going to be 100% okay, but you'll learn how to cope and deal with stressful situations, and life will go on. I know just how uncomfortable it is to talk about this, especially face-to-face, so if any of you out there need to talk, please please email me at isobel@isobel-rose.com, send me a tweet or leave a comment because I know how hard it can be. 

Although you may not believe it, you're stronger than you think. You will get through this.

Isobel x

24 comments

  1. Thank you for having the courage to share this deeply personal experience with us. I wish you all the best in your journey of staying strong and resisting the temptation to self-harm in the face of difficult times.

    ReplyDelete
  2. kerryelizabethroseJanuary 7, 2015 at 2:52 AM

    This was such an inspiring post to read, how you're trying to overcome this. I hope all the best for you, and remember stay strong! If you yourself need anyone to speak to feel free to email me or reach me on any social network. X

    http://for-my-love-of-style.blogspot.co.uk/

    ReplyDelete
  3. Thank you for writing this very honest post. I feel that this will be a great help to many people who are either going through this or are having feelings of wanting to do something. It will be helpful to them to know that with time it is something that can be overcome. I hope that you are able to keep feeling strong if you get into this situation again. If you ever need to talk to someone please also feel free to contact me as having had similar feelings like this and also from suffering with depression and other mental health illnesses I might be able to offer you some help.
    All the best.
    Kelly.

    ReplyDelete
  4. This is a wonderfully honest post. I had many friends in school who self-harmed, and also worried my sister was doing the same at 13 last year (she wasn't - thankfully - but was trying to support a friend in a misguided way by saying she was). I think you are a wonderful person for speaking about this! x

    NINEGRANDSTUDENT: A Student Lifestyle Blog

    ReplyDelete
  5. This is such a brave post - I may just send a quick email to you soon! <3 xx


    nessiehere.blogspot.co.uk

    ReplyDelete
  6. This is a very clear and comprehensible post, Isobel. I often have trouble expressing myself clearly when trying to explain myself.
    I started cutting at 17 and now, at 30, I finally have control over it, though it's not gone. In the back of my mind, it remains an option out of habit. My scars are still prominent, but after a while, you kind of don't see them any more. They're just a part of you, like a mole or birthmark. But other people DO notice. You're right: It's an addiction. Somewhere in the act, we find an "effective" way to feel immediate relief and in control.
    Like you said, people who self-harm CAN get through it. It's could take some time and isn't easy, but it's possible and absolutely worth it.

    ReplyDelete
  7. This is so brave of you to post. You should really be proud of yourself as I am sure this will help a lot of readers too - stay strong xx

    http://lauratalksout.blogspot.co.uk

    ReplyDelete
  8. Takes more bravery then most to share something like this. I've never been there myself but I'm glad you have been able to share your story. Because your story is as important as your life is. You're an inspiration x

    ReplyDelete
  9. This must have been such a difficult post for you to write and I have so much respect for you for doing so. For me, this post was really eye opening because I've never cut and I don't know any one who has (Or maybe I do but they keep it to themselves which is understandable) To hear cutting being described as a gravitational pull is really powerful and really touched me. I cannot imagine anything like it. I'm glad to hear you're much better. It's important to know that a lot of people have hiccups and return to their vices. You're not alone.

    Wonderful and thought provoking blog. I'm a new follower and I'm looking forward to hearing more about your journey <3

    http://www.abigailalicex.com

    ReplyDelete
  10. Such a brave post, and I hope it really helps someone who needs it, I imagine talking abut something like this must not be easy; I'm glad you're much better now, stay strong! x

    ReplyDelete
  11. You are so brave to share your story lovely. You know I'm here whenever you need a chat <3

    Megan xo

    ReplyDelete
  12. So courageous of you to speak about this. It seems now that it's such a glamorized thing to talk about, joke about, etc... but there's nothing glamorous about feeling so bad with yourself that harming your body seems like the only option.



    I wish you the best of luck on your journey, on your recovery! My heart is with you <3



    Sofia | palelily.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  13. Thank you Laura - I really appreciate your kind words x

    ReplyDelete
  14. Thank you so much - it means a lot :) x

    ReplyDelete
  15. Thank you so much - I just hope I can help people who are in a similar situation x

    ReplyDelete
  16. Thank you Kelly - the main goal of this post was to try and help people who have been in a similar situation. I really appreciate your support, and the same goes for you, I am always here if you need to talk x

    ReplyDelete
  17. Thank you for your comment Leila. I'm glad that you've been able to move forward with your life and more or less overcome the addiction to cut. I wish you all the best x

    ReplyDelete
  18. Aw thank you Abigail - it was definitely hard to publish for everyone to see, but as all of these lovely comments prove - it has definitely been worth it. I think that cutting has been almost 'glamourised' or become some sort of a trend in some people's eyes which makes it seem silly and insignificant, but in fact it's incredibly real and incredibly dangerous. I'm glad I could open your eyes to this, one day it might be of use to you and you might be able to help someone in a similar situation. x

    ReplyDelete
  19. Thank you so much for your sweet comment Sofia. I know exactly what you mean - it's become somewhat of a 'trend' and people have really been downsizing what it actually means, but it's a real problem that is potentially life threatening. Thanks again lovely x

    ReplyDelete

Follow

Instagram