I've never considered myself to be very pretty, I've definitely never been skinny, so my academic skills have always been my strength. Then you go to university, and you realise that everyone is as smart as, if not smarter than you and that sucks. It especially sucks if, like me your self esteem had always rested on how well you do academically, and all of the sudden you've dropped from the top to the bottom of all your classes. I happened to make friends with an amazing group of girls, all sweet and amazingly talented. But that's where it becomes difficult; you can't be mad at your friends for doing better than you, it's not their fault and they're not going to stop trying to do their best to make you feel better - that would be absurd. In fact, it's nobody's fault, but you still are affected greatly by it, and you need someone to blame for your constant shortcomings. Occasionally I would snap at my friends, but that's not really fair, so I would mostly go home and cry over the phone to my mum and spend days telling myself how stupid I am and that I will never succeed at anything. Now, I know what you're expecting. You're expecting me to tell you how I got over this insecurity, and how I've become more positive. Unfortunately I'm still not there yet. Three years after starting university and I'm still writing this with fresh tears in my eyes, having just got off of the phone with my parents on the other side of the world. I still wake up and just expect that everyone will do better at me, because that's just always how it goes, so I go into things expecting to fall short - so I usually do. Whether I'll ever get over this, I'll never know, I guess I just need to find my secret talent or something. The simpler answer would just be to accept who I am, but that's a hell of a lot easier said than done - I'm still young, only just 21 and barely an adult. These things take time, so I guess we'll just wait and see... 

To any of my friends reading this, I'm sorry if I've ever snapped at you for being as amazingly intelligent and talented as you are, it's not your fault that you're all so wonderful.

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6 comments

  1. Hola Isobel,
    I am not writting this only to cheer you up, but also because I kind of feel the same way. It can be overwhelming when you just don't find yourself at all and when you don't accept yourself. I am there too and I completely understand you.
    You say that you probably need to find a secret talent. Well, if this can help you, you should know that you are an amazing blogger and photographer. I found your blog a couple of weeks ago and since then you have become one of my favourites writers. With this post you have show that you are not just a beauty blogger (a really good one, by the way), but you are also an inspiring person.
    Un abrazo grande,
    María

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  2. First of all, I think you're a beautiful girl; and I think post has just proved that you're beautiful inside and out. I absolutely love your blog, and the content you produce probably suggests that you are a really smart girl!

    I'd just like you to know that you're not the only one feeling this way. Although I've only experienced the transition from primary school to high school, the drop from topping primary school to floating around the bottom took a really big hit to my confidence. But I'm happy to say that after 5 and a half years of school (I'm graduating in 2 months), I've finally come to terms with the fact that I'm not necessarily going to top my grade, but I am doing my personal best. And I sincerely hope that you will too. The blogging community is here for you :) x

    Mel // izzipenelope

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  3. This is exactly how I felt at my first years in University, stil not confident about myself, since I have to study for my degree and I'm really taking my time, because I'm afraid to go there and do my final presentations...

    But time after time, I'm learning to love myself and for me, this is the key... Accepting who you are, loving who you are with all your heart is the first step, so that you can be confident and love anyone else without feeling not good enough... It takes time, but it's totally worth it!

    And I'm sure that you are just good enough like everyone else you described, but you have different skills and talents that haven't come into surface yet, so feel blessed :)

    If you're interested in reading something different, "You can heal your life" by Louise L. Hay, is a nice start! :)

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  4. I'm exactly the same, so know that you are not alone :) I've always felt like everyone else were better than me and been quite sad at times. I think the key is to find the thing(s) you love doing and the things that motivate you. For me one of these things is to help other people. It makes me happy and I don't need to be the best, just willing to do something for others.
    But it's definitely a process and don't think I'm there yet either. Hugs!!

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  5. @Tina @Kate @Filza Sadaf @Laura @Maddie @Diana P. @Melissa F @María Thank you all so much for your kind words xxx

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  6. HUGS, ISOBEL! HUGS!!!
    University has put me under a lot of stress and running into fails after fails, I felt so sick of seeing other people succeed. I remember last year when I got mad at my ex for getting a job before me after I had attended several interviews and he only attended one. I was furious and that was when I realized how ridiculous it was. My ex and I broke up because we were both so stressed that we constantly put our anger out on each other. The things I did weren't fair and to this day, I still struggle to control my feelings over my own failures. It's tough, but I'm working on being a better person each day too. But when I say better, I mean a better me relative to my past self and not relative to anyone else. You know what's been helping though? Watching various TED talks. They get you thinking and you start seeing yourself and the world in a different way.


    Things are going to be okay. You're a wonderful person and don't you forget that! xx

    ReplyDelete

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